Noah's Ark - Today's Version
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the
United States. The Lord speaks to Noah
and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to
save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. Fearful and
trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You
must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord
saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping." Noah," He shouted,
"where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried
Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and
your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the
Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the
Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I
finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't
let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of
each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a
map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am
trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that
I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine
and the seas began the calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked
up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord.
"No," said the Lord sadly." I
don't have to. The government already has."